im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
