We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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