Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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