Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
