You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
