My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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