No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
