So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
