at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Randomize
