If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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