My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
