i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize