i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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