I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
