I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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