And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
