i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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