just tell him i said nine months
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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