I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
