now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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