Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
