I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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