my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
