there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
