i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
