Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
