I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
