i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
