I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
