i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
