I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
