Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
