i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
