found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
