if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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