dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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