So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
