my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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