Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
