you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
