Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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