Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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