WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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