Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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