allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
