i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
