If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
