PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
