matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
