Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
