So drunk its hurt
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
