So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
