walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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