she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
