I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
