I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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