It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
