So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
