i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize